Your Suburban Neighbors and How They’re Coping with Quarantine
Some are handling it better than others.
Marcus, 33, Science Teacher — He took a trip to Home Depot “just to browse” and get away from his wife and kids. He came back with a power washer. He now power washes everything. Everything.
Travis, 42, Plumber — He still has to go to work. To protect himself on jobs, he designed the FaceShield3000, comprised of half of a Mountain Dew Code Red 2-liter bottle and a series of interwoven rubber bands. He stares at himself in the mirror, admiring his creation and whispers to himself, “I am the night.”
Jessica and Morgan, 36 and 34, respectively, Aspiring Mom Bloggers — Their children, Margot (9), Cooper (8), Reagan (7), Butler (6 and 1/3), Keegan (6), Kagan (4 and a half) and Fargle (84 months) have driven them to the brink. They leave their husbands in the houses and let the kids co-mingle in the front yard. Which ones belong to whom? No one knows. It doesn’t matter. They share a boxed chardonnay from a single personalized wine Yeti mug, tempting fate just to feel alive.
Roger, 69, Retired — He’s been staying outside and pulling weeds so long that the yard is now a barren wasteland. “Oh what a day!” he shouts, hoisting himself aloft on his riding mower. He looks over the landscape with a Mad Max intensity in his eyes, ready for the apocalypse.
Matt and Jake, 37 and 35, Car Salesman and Truck Salesman, respectively — Their wives, Jessica and Morgan, have taken the kids to the front yard, leaving the men alone in the garage to stand closer than 6-feet and admire Jake’s new belt sander in peaceful silence. Matt shows Jake a crumpled brochure on vasectomies he swiped from the doctor’s office months ago.
Diane, 67, Retired — Her window-watching usually yields no results, but the sudden influx of people staying home and spending time outside has provided ample entertainment. She mistakenly calls the cops on her neighbor, thinking he was a burglar, only having recently noticed he is black.
Robin, 42, ER Nurse — She climbs in her 2004 Subaru Outback and pulls down the car’s visor, revealing its mirror. She rubs the rings under her eyes and sighs, pulling out of the driveway.
Yolanda, 48, Software Engineer — She planned to end quarantine proud that she finally completed that sci-fi novel but will instead emerge from isolation proud that she won every Facebook fight she started.
***
For more about me or to read additional content, check out my website or listen to Sinisterhood.
