Live Tweeting My Kidney Stone
I had a kidney stone this summer. I’m ok now! It was my first time ever having a kidney stone, and let me just say — ZERO OUT OF TEN. Would not recommend!
The pandemic gave me this kidney stone. I used to drink off-brand La Croix from the grocery store called Soleil. Then the pandemic hit, and I refused to go to the grocery store like I used to (5–8 times per week because I never make lists and I like shopping on a whim). So, instead, I had to order fizzy water online to be delivered to my house. The alternative would have been drinking plain water from the tap, but I didn’t do that because I’m not a peasant.
The only brand I could order for delivery was Perrier which has minerals in it. Every day for the last six months, I have been guzzling Perrier like a powdered-wig-wearing aristocrat. As a result? Got a kidney stone. I can tell you, Soleil would have NEVER done me like this!
I do have to take some responsibility. I flew too close to the sun. I was trying to act like a mineral water girl when this body runs on diesel. As a kid, I used to drink straight from the hose. Just crammed that old rusted metal end straight from the dirt into my face hole. That’s what my system is used to.
Rather than just tell you what happened, I structured this as a live-tweet so you can feel like you’re on this journey with me. Well, not totally. To feel like you were there, I’d need to come to your house, kick you in your bikini-bottom-area and stab you with a rusty ice pick. There’s just not enough time for that, so instead, throw yourself down a flight of stairs and read this. Then you will have experienced my journey.
TWITTER FEED
logging off twitter so I can write! #amwriting #writerslife
3:08 PM · Monday
looks like my shoddy pill-taking habits have caught up to me. My period hath stricken me early. Gonna go lie down.
3:16 PM · Monday
WHAT IN HEAVEN’S GATE IS HAPPENING! My guts are being tossed around with the Little Mermaid’s busted ass dinglehopper.
3:22 PM · Monday
A demon is going HAM on a cheesy gordita crunch with Taco Bell spork on the inside of my body. Thankfully Paris is here. I am sweating so much and pretty sure I’m about to puke. I am not stoked that he has to see me this way. To be fair, it’s only slightly sweatier and bitchier than I usually am.
3:31 PM · Monday
Paris has to go in the other room log off work. Going to vomit alone in bed. I stumbled to the bathroom and got the trash can as an impromptu puke receptacle. Tried lying face down on bed to aim possible barf trajectory but everything hurts unless I’m on my back (just like usual)
3:33 PM · Monday
I am drenched in sweat. I guess I got my workout in after all haha-ahhhgod it hurts to laugh. Or move. Do I need to pee? Is that a symptom? No, I always have to pee.
3:35 PM · Monday
Been googling illnesses. This is either appendicitis, kidney stones or my guts have ruptured. Prayin it’s not a ruptured gut. 🤞🤞 If it is appendicitis, I need to change panties because if I have to stay in the hospital and get surgery, I want to be wearing fresh drawers.
3:40 PM · Monday
Paris has loaded me into the car. I am so sweaty I am slipping off the seat and have to brace myself on the door. He went back inside to get my work laptop. I insisted I take it with me because #lawyerlife
3:43 PM · Monday
I’m in the back seat screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?” Not sure why. That question hasn’t been answered for 33 years, no chance for it to be answered now.
3:47 PM · Monday
I am supposed to be on a conference call at 4pm. I email the team, “Going to the ER. Can’t make the call, sorry!” Brevity is the soul of cancelling conference calls.
3:50 PM · Monday
Paris has asked where we are going. I just screamed “take me to the ER behind the Starbucks” because America!
3:56 PM · Monday
The ER receptionist has asked for my insurance card. ✅ saved in my phone. Also asked for my ID. I rifled through my purse for my wallet but nada. Why isn’t my wallet in my purse?
4:02 PM · Monday
Just remembered I have a photo of my passport from when I went to Europe saved on my phone. Good for hackers AND good for me, a person who loses her wallet a lot.
4:03 PM · Monday
You don’t get to choose your own voice when you’re in guttural pain. It just kinda comes out how it comes out. Mine sounds like a long-haired skateboarder from San Francisco looking for a recreational drug supplier. “Come on, man!” “Somebody help me, man!” Maybe it will work and they will give me some drugs.
4:07 PM · Monday
I have been sweating and screaming in this ER lobby for 100 years. This nice fellow named Jamie just came to get me. Jamie looks handsome like a vampire from a teen movie. TAKE ME AWAY, SEXY VAMPIRE!
4:10 PM · Monday
As we walked back to the room, he asked me how much I weigh. GTFO OF HERE, EDWARD CULLEN!
4:11 PM · Monday
A meaty male nurse named Chris just came in to ask me questions. When was my last period? Who knows that answer ever? I just made up a day. Let’s hope that’s not integral to my medical treatment. Also, if it’s not, why are they asking?
4:12 PM · Monday
They just asked me to pee in a cup. I deserve an Olympic medal for being able to stand, walk to the bathroom, pee in a cup and walk back without fainting. An Olympic medal or a big ass dose of pain medicine. There’s the voice again, “COME ON, MAN!” They probably think I’m about to bust out a hacky sack.
4:13 PM · Monday
My stomach muscles now hurt. Jamie told me, “It’s just like ab day at the gym.” ok first of all I don’t go to the gym and second of all when I did, I just listlessly struggle-jogged on the treadmill while watching ESPN and judging people SO YOUR REFERENCE IS LOST ON ME, HOT PERSON.
4:13PM · Monday
Nurse Chris has started an IV. He gave me anti-throw-up medicine and some Morphine, telling me “You’ll feel like you’re floating on a cloud.” You have over-promised and underdelivered, sir. I feel like I am on a hospital bed being kicked in the bones.
4:15 PM · Monday
Jamie is taking me back for a CAT Scan. Morphine is not working. Skateboarder voice is back: “Somebody’s gotta help me, man!” Jamie is trying to talk me down. JUST BITE MY NECK AND END MY SUFFERING! Though if I were him, I wouldn’t want to spend eternity with me either, so I get it.
4:18 PM · Monday
Jamie just asked if I can get up off the bed. LOL JAMIE WHY DO YOU BELIEVE IN ME!?
4:20 PM · Monday
Jamie had to call in Nurse Chris for an assist. They have hoisted me from the hospital bed to the cat scan machine and honestly I was impressed by the muscular strength. It’s like lifting a full slab of beef with a beach towel. Nice work, gents.
4:22 PM · Monday
Jamie has asked me to hold my breath a few times while I am in the CAT scan machine. I am blind from pain. Not sure how I am going to do that. I keep asking everyone if I need to take off my watch. (They keep telling me I don’t, but for some reason I am skeptical.)
4:27 PM · Monday
CAT SCAN FINISHED. Nurse Chris came back with another syringe full of Morphine because he is an angel from heaven. And we’re doing the beef slab/beach towel bit again.
4:31 PM · Monday
Back in the room. Feels good. Feeling like I can relax. Feeling like my chest is caving in. Feeling like someone is sitting on my chest. Am I having a heart attack? Oh god. I just meekly started saying, “Somebody? Hello? Somebody?”
4:33 PM · Monday
The ER is dark and empty. Maybe it’s not a real ER after all. Have I been taken into a storage unit to be killed? Where are all the other patients?? Is this a murder dungeon built out to look like a real, working ER?
4:34 PM · Monday
Nope, Nurse Chris is back. Hello angel! I told him “I think I am having a heart attack, and I cannot breathe.” He said that’s a side effect of the morphine. Awesome drug! Takes away your pain and replaces it with the feeling of being suffocated. Maybe give a girl a heads up about that next time!
4:36 PM · Monday
Nurse Chris has hooked electrodes to my chest as a precaution to check my heart rate and stuff. “You have a low resting heart rate,” he said. “Isn’t that good?” I asked. “It would be if you were an athlete.” Ouch.
4:39 PM · Monday
My work email is going off. It’s a client. I call my coworker. “Do not be alarmed, but I am in the ER.” Doesn’t matter if you say, “Do not be alarmed,” PEOPLE ALWAYS GET ALARMED! She was cool af and took a project off my plate since I’m pretty sure it’s malpractice to get a double dose of morphine and start sending emails. It would be a lot more fun than just sending emails though.
4:40 PM · Monday
Everyone has left the room so I can rest. Instead, I am taking a selfie. Heyyyyy! Ok I sent it to Paris so he knows I am alive. On the flip side he knows I have gone full hobgoblin status so let’s hope he’ll stay and take me home.
4:43 PM · Monday
Dr. Fitzgerald came in with Nurse Chris and Jamie. She told me that I have a 5.5 millimeter kidney stone. The way they’re talking that seems big. Damn, I am such a stupid competitive overachiever. I can’t make just a regular kidney stone. Gotta go above and beyond.
4:45 PM · Monday
I asked Dr. F how to get rid of it. She said “Liquids, liquids, liquids; just drink anything.” OH REALLY? ANYTHING? What about apple juice? “Yes.” Pedialyte? “Yes.” THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES? “May give you a stomach ache, but yes.” Jamie high fived me.
4:45 PM · Monday
ER check out. Nurse Chris has given me a funnel to pee in with a mesh catcher at the bottom. I am supposed to pee into until I pass the stone then turn it over to my doctor for testing. “You’ll just be peeing and hear a CLINK sound. That’s the stone,” Nurse Chris told me. Hopefully that sound is the stone and not some relic that somehow got crammed up there.
5:50 PM · Monday
Paris steadies me and walks me to the car. I am high on a double dose of morphine. I just told him to stop at the Tom Thumb next door and buy me a big ole jug of Martinelli’s apple juice right nowwwwww. I like to get high and drink juice!
5:58 PM · Monday
Home now after one stop at the drive through pharmacy to fill my pain pill prescription. I am going to lie down in bed and pray for death’s sweet embrace.
6:15 PM · Monday
Paris just brought back some pasta and cheese bread from an Italian place up the street. I think this will be fine, not too heavy on my stomach.
6:58 PM · Monday
The last time I puked this hard was after I did a bunch of Jell-O shots and took a VODKA shot with a PICKLE BACK and chased it with TACO BELL because sometimes we don’t choose our bad decisions, they choose us.
7:20 PM · Monday
Fuck this. I’m taking my pills and passing out.
7:48 PM · Monday
I have just come-to from the medicine. I see that I have texted all my recent phone contacts and said god knows what to them.
10:32 PM · Monday
I just found selfie videos on my phone with a bunny face filter that I took but never posted.
10:50 PM · Monday
Time to turn off the TV and get some rest.
11:17 PM · Monday
Slept like a rock except for when I zombie-walked myself into the bathroom to barf again. I apparently also cleaned the toilet afterward judging by the cleaning supplies on the floor and the sparkling clean toilet. Thank you, Pain Pill Heather. You are very thoughtful.
7:40 AM · Tuesday
Checking the ol’ work email. Got one from my boss asking how I am. And another email from a different boss. And a third. That is very nice of everyone, but that is way more people thinking about and discussing my urethra than I would normally like.
7:42 AM · Tuesday
Taking a sick day. Going back to sleep. When I wake up, I bet I’ll pass this thing. Let #ROCKWATCH2K20 commence!
9:07 AM · Tuesday
Went to the bathroom. Nothing.
10:29 AM · Tuesday
Still nothing.
12:15 PM · Tuesday
Received several nice messages. Even more people thinking about my urethra. SUPER! Still nothing. #ROCKWATCH2K20 continues.
1:30 PM · Tuesday
just remembered Dr. F told me “liquids liquids liquids” so I’m gonna shotgun this entire jug of Martinelli’s AJ 🍎 #bottomsup
2:48 PM · Tuesday
The fiber in the juice is moving through me with the force and indifference of an airport tram.
3:15:30 PM · Tuesday
Figured out how to solve problem #2 while holding in #1. Time to unleash the kraken into this peepee funnel.
3:16:01 PM · Tuesday
Niagara falls. But wait. What was that sound?
3:16:32 PM · Tuesday
Baby’s first photo shoot! Set my rock on a piece of toilet paper with a dime beside it for reference. It looks like piece of Nerds candy.
3:18 PM · Tuesday
You know it’s funny because at first I thought it looked like Paris because it was shapely and beautiful, but then remembering about how much a nightmare it was, it is definitely more like me.
3:20 PM · Tuesday
Right at 24 hours later, the nightmare is over. Moms out there — I know having kids was probably super hard, but the internet said this was just as painful as childbirth so I just want you to know, based on that, I totally know what you went through! #solidarity
3:24 PM · Tuesday
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