My Answers to 20 Questions That All Celebrities Need To Answer Honestly
This summer, I really wanted to swim in a pool, but I have been incredibly afraid of getting coronavirus. I hate being sick. I hate having diarrhea (despite living under its constant imminent presence in my life). I super hate coughing. I like to breathe. These are a few reasons why I chose not to get into a public pool all year. I debated on putting a large blow-up pool in my backyard, but that dream was crushed when I realized power lines run ACROSS my backyard and into my house. I am one faulty line away from being zapped in my own Lowe’s-provided watery grave.
I mentioned this to my doctor this summer. She listens to the podcast and is thusly under the misguided notion that I am somehow famous. She told me, “Just ask one of your listeners if they have a pool. I bet they’d let you come swim.” That is not a level of renown I will ever have or ever seek to have: the fun, mythical Bill-Murray-esque whimsy of crashing a “fan’s” pool party.
But for a small moment I thought maybe I could be a celebrity. Then I remembered this article I had read in BuzzFeed where Josie Ayre collected a list of questions she would love to ask celebrities for real (located here: https://www.buzzfeed.com/josieayre1/questions-id-love-to-ask-celebrities-and-actua). WELL GUESS WHAT, JOSIE! I’m about to make your dreams come true.
How much money have you actually made?
Let me just tell you about the high dollar life of an improv comedian, it doesn’t exist. I made my money the old-fashioned way — racking up thousands of dollars in student loans on a liberal arts degree then panicking and going to law school and racking up even more thousands of dollars in student loans. Then doing comedy anyway!
Have you actually had work done? If not, what facials do you get?
I had my gallbladder removed due to malfunction. This causes my guts to fill up with bile if I don’t have a snack like every 2 hours. The only thing I’ve had done to my skin is one time they thought I had scabies so the doctor took a biopsy (turns out it was NOT scabies, just an unknown rash. Whew!)
How much do you actually work out?
I have recently been running 4 times per week because I signed up for a marathon due to petty jealousy. Other people have run marathons. In my head, I am better than they are so I should run one, too. In reality, I tore my calf during training and now have to sit on the couch with an orthopedic pillow under my leg so that’s cool! Fitness!
If you go out to dinner with your non-famous friends, do you all still split the bill or do you pay?
I am all about splitsies unless there’s a silent pause in which case I will collapse under the overwhelming weight of the awkwardness and just go ahead and pay. If I am with a friend who I know is richer than me and they offer to pay, I will weakly argue with them as they pull out their platinum card then regret deeply that I didn’t order a second dessert.
Which fellow celebrity is a dickhead?
One time at DFW airport, I watched as Brent Spiner freaked out and screamed at the TSA agents because the Pre-Check line wasn’t open. Mrs. Brent Spiner stood beside him and seethed like a shaken can of cola. She eventually erupted, shouting, “PRE-CHECK IS A FARCE!” which she then began to chant over her husband’s continued arguments. The only thing stronger than a Star Trek android is the cold, cold stare of a government employee who is paid way too little to deal with your bullshit, Data. They had to go through the line just like the rest of us.
Have you ever called the paparazzi on yourself?
Uh, I make my boyfriend take pictures of me a lot and do my own selfies. Does that count? Trying to decide whether that is more or less pathetic than calling the paparazzi on myself.
Have you ever used your fame to get something for free? And what was it?
I constantly ask for sponsors on the podcast, but the consistent lack of response tells me I am, indeed, not as famous as my doctor would believe. I’ll just go lie down on my PURPLE MATTRESS, sip some delicious AUSTIN EASTCIDERS, watch my favorite show on HULU and enjoy the comfort of my yoga pants from OLD NAVY.
Have you ever done any projects that you hated from the start but knew it would get you a lot of attention?
I do a lot of stuff I hate all the time. Mostly it’s to get people to like me because I don’t want them to be mad at me for saying no to them. It has so far not garnered much attention, but it has netted me a lot of friends. SORRY Y’ALL!
Do you have to work on your losing face before you go to an awards ceremony?
In 12th grade, I was so sure someone else was going to win the Writing award at our senior awards ceremony, so I pre-grimaced. I actually ended up winning, but I also thought I was going to win the Acting award. I was still smiling because of the Writing win, but then I lost the Acting award. My face reflexively scrunched up in jealousy and anger. Considering my face, that was a well-deserved loss.
Has someone close to you ever used you in any way for their own personal gain? And what did you do?
My mom constantly uses me to one-up her friends, acquaintances, store clerks, medical professionals, delivery workers and telemarketers. I let her do it because to my face, she tells me I “ain’t shit” and threatens that because she brought me into the world, she can also take me out. It’s nice to know someone out there knows she’s proud of me, even if it’s the guy in the reflective vest from Amazon.
What scandals have your team covered up?
I blew out a tire due to texting while driving. I lied to my boyfriend at the time, telling him a dog ran out into the street and I swerved to miss it. He asked for a description of the dog, and I was so believable that he got choked up and wanted to go and find it. I told him the dog ran into someone’s backyard and that was probably its home. That made him feel better, and we shifted focus to buying me a new tire. Fixed! I’m basically Michael Clayton.
Always act like you know somebody!
If you see another celebrity at the same place as you (not an event) do you give them the “nod” even if you actually don’t know each other just because you’re both famous?
When I met John Cusack at a comic con meet-and-greet, everyone else walked up to him and stood beside him quietly for a photo. When it was my turn, I said, “Hey John, great to see you!” which is a phrase you use to trick someone into thinking they know you. It worked. He feigned recognition and said, “Hey…you,” which was fair given that I was a stranger. We embraced warmly and smiled as the shutter clicked, capturing a photo that looks like the amateur engagement photos of your friend from high school and her boyfriend, the older guy who never left your hometown.
How do you go about dating?
I’ve recently only decided to date hot people. Not sure what I was doing before. I dated losers for a long time, and when really scrutinize that practice, it makes no sense. So my current boyfriend is very hot. I would describe him as suspiciously hot. What right does he have going around looking like that when the rest of us are, statistically speaking, average? I just keep searching his body for signs he’s an AI sex robot programmed by my enemies to trick me. So far inconclusive results, but it’s led to a lot of butt stuff.
How do you find personal assistants, housekeepers, or nannies? Do they come recommended from other celebrities? Do you have your friends and family on your payroll?
Before COVID, I paid my mom to come over and clean my house once a week. I would say this is due to some kind of benevolence on my part, but the truth is my dogs are so ill mannered that a stranger would quit. It takes the strength of a mother’s love (and a generous hourly rate) to get anyone to help me with house work.
I’ve also watched too many shows on Investigation Discovery channel to let someone I don’t know into my house. Maybe with references from people I know, but even then, what if there’s something about me that drives them to kill? What if I’m too nice? Or too mean? I am demanding and vulgar and do not clean up after myself. If I were a stranger, I would murder me. Who wants to wash spaghetti stains out of a grown woman’s duvet cover? That kind of thing would drive someone to kill.
If you want to go somewhere like a theme park, what do you do?
You want to go early, right when the parks open. You also need to get a fast-pass (or equivalent) and map out your rides to maximize the ride-versus-wait ratio. Oh… you mean like, to avoid being recognized? That’s only ever happened once. When I was 10 years old, we went to the State Fair of Texas. My dad went through the fun house with me. The set of sliding mechanical stairs at the front got ahold of my shoe. My shoe was torn off, and my foot was smashed between the moving plywood. They had to roll me away on a golf cart to the medical tent. I was mortified and thought everyone was staring at me. Probably because I was screaming and hysterically crying. The medics had to duct-tape my canvas shoe back onto my foot.
Later, as I limped with my family along the Midway, I felt the unrelenting eyes of the carnies burning into me. Injuries are probably the quickest way to get their rides shut down. I was the little shit that almost brought the fun house to a screeching halt. But as we passed, I saw the funhouse stairs slid onward. Even my crunched foot couldn’t stand in the way of destiny. Years later, my toes still recoil with muscle memory when I pass down the row of rides.
Does someone teach you how to walk in heels? And how did you learn to pose on a red carpet or in a photoshoot?
I bought a pair of 6” hot pink patent leather stiletto heels in 10th grade at a thrift store. I wore them to school, with jeans and a t-shirt. I thought I was really cool, but in reality, no one noticed. Except my 10th grade World History teacher, Miss Evans. She was in her first year of teaching and only about 24 years old.
She told me, “If you keep wearing those, you’re going to get bunions on your feet.” She never showed me her bunions, but a word like that evokes a sort of image in your head that makes visual aids unnecessary.
“Yeah right, you old hag,” I thought. At age 25, when I got my first Tailor’s Bunion (that’s a bunion your pinky toe!) I thought of her and wished I’d heeded her warnings. So here’s a lesson on how to walk in high heels — don’t! Super simple. I have decided if a person, place or thing doesn’t like me because of my cushioned flats with orthopedic inserts, then it’s not someone/somewhere/something I need to be around.
My posing techniques are summed up as such: stand like the freeze frame at the end credits of a heartwarming 1990s sitcom.
Have you ever been told to change something about yourself?
A boy in high school told me to lose 100 pounds and get cool. He’s a 30-something-year-old bell boy at a hotel now, so I don’t think his advice merits attention. My elementary school report cards always said, “Distracts others with excessive talking.” But I’ve managed to turn that into somewhat of a career, so again, not going to take that note. A boyfriend in high school once remarked I had the biggest calves he’d ever seen on a girl. His assessment was fair. I can’t wear knee-high boots, but that does put me in the top percentile of female leg circumference, so I’ll count it as a win.
Have you ever found out that one of your friends was leaking stories about you?
In fourth grade, these two girls told a boy I liked him. But they didn’t just tell him out loud. They FORGED a note from me and handed it to him. I had to get REJECTED by this kid who I definitely did like but would have gone to my grave having never told my true feelings. He has since lost all his hair and grown the same mustache you see on the Wooly Willy magnetic man children’s game. I have never been more grateful to be doxed by my friends.
Do you have a Google Alert for your name? And how much do you actually read about yourself?
Yes! A woman in another state is a renowned architect, so it’s real nice to see all the progress she’s making using our name. A 22-year-old girl with my name just got married, so fucking yay for her I guess. I only want to read something negative about myself if it is posted from a source where I can see who said it and what they looked like. This helps with the petty arguments I have with them in my shower for days after seeing it. “Oh really, Tammy from Nebraska? You think I suck? Well, how about you take this straw and suck my ass!”
Honestly, it’s not easy being this (not) famous. If i ever manage to level up, I’ll go through and re-answer. Just kidding, no I won’t. I’ll be too busy blowing my sponsorship money on private access to a theme park (WITHOUT ANY FUNHOUSES!)